i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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