he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I am one with the molecules
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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