I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)