Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.