god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?