Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C