It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
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I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.