cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you