She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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