My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
