What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
