I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
