You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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