I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
