Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
