Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
