you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
