dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
