went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
