I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
