Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
