I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
