all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
