Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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