Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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