Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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