: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
