dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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