This is not my ceiling
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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