Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
