I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
