i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
