I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
zippers are such a cool invention
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
