one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
