I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
