If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
