I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
