im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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