just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
