3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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