My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
