Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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