So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
