he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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