the condom got lost in my hair
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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