hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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