We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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