Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
