Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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