There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We have started to decorate penises.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
