the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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