It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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