my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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