I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
