I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
