I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
