the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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