I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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