Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
