How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
