Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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