he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
