I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
