i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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